It's been a few months since I shared anything here. That was both unintentional and intentional. In August, I suffered a massive anxiety attack brought on by a medication I was forced to try by my health insurance before I could be prescribed the medication that we know works for me, and have successfully utilized it as part of my ADHD regimen the last two years. I've had anxiety attacks before, on a much smaller scale and one particular one on a larger scale; however, this attack was fueled by a medication I'd taken for just a few days. Because of even just that little bit of build-up in my system, my entire body ended up being sore for the next week, week and a half, from all the crying, tensing, and panic that I was experiencing. My mind and body were in fight and flight mode simultaneously, with just enough of ME still present and aware of the fact that what was happening was not normal.
So, I've spent the last few months breaking down all that I've been through, trying to do, and what I need to move forward to be in the best place for myself mentally, physically, and emotionally while also being there for my husband and our goals.
On top of that, I've been navigating the freelance lifestyle, and I can tell you right now, especially with how the job and economic markets are, this ain't it for me. Of course, I came into it under a forced situation with my layoff, but I'm incredibly disappointed and saddened by how people treat each other in this arena. Not honoring verbal agreements that are vastly different once put into written contract form. Not wanting to pay the agreed-upon rate in the contract or creating an environment of stress and hostility for work and payment over a certain number of hours or amount. Not adhering to the project timeline and not communicating in full.
After a few mishaps with a few clients in August and into September, I decided in October to really commit to finding a full-time role. I'd been applying here and there but mainly concentrating on freelance and contract work searches, hoping the time I'd spent pursuing that would be more fruitful. I landed a contract only to have more budgeting issues arise (and honestly, I'm STILL waiting on starting PAID work for that), which pretty much sealed the deal on not wanting to continue freelance work. However, when I started to hit the job search heavier at the end of September, I'd already noticed the frustrations of many others in the job market, and my experience was no different.
Luckily, after another (read rework number six in six months) rewrite of my resume, I got some recruiters reaching out and interviews. Ironically, though, the interview I made as a finalist was for a job I applied for back in May. And that went really well - or so I thought. It was a few steps below my previous position, but the culture was great, the pay was good, and I did not expect them or myself to climb any kind of ladder. I just wanted a good job with a good group of people and a livable income. Based on their rhetoric and the information I was privy to, I felt pretty confident but tried to be cautiously optimistic.
However, I was devastated when I received the rejection email after two additional interviews, including an editing task I hadn't been told about at the beginning of the interview process. As hard as I tried, I still envisioned myself working for this organization and team and doing meaningful work while also getting my life back on track. It was a massive blow since I made sure to be clear in my intention and their understanding that we all knew my skillset was above the job; I was starting to question my ability to communicate and have mutual understanding out of a conversation based on my experiences with the freelance work and contracts and then this.
Now, we're in the last week of November, and while I'm not as down as I was a month ago, I've definitely been running so much through my mind, and it's hard to comprehend that the holiday season is upon us. Especially with my savings account dwindling and the credit cards feeling the heat of being used despite scaling back on spending, services, etc. If I have to get a retail job to help my stress regarding financials over the holidays, I will, but I also am waiting to hear back from an interview I had a week and a half ago that I believe went really well.
I've wanted to share the journey these past few months because I was so active before and suddenly stopped. But also because of something someone told me at Thanksgiving (of course...). When asked about what I was doing and what I was looking for, the advice that I visualize myself with what I want and where I want was given to me. According to this person, I need to really want it, and it will come true, as their personal story from their first job out of college in their "dream city" showed.
I have not only dreamt of and visualized the life ahead of me, but I have put in the hard work and more hard work than most others have to move in that direction and be there by now. And yet - I am not. Lack of hard work, networking, connecting, success, and learning from failures is certainly not it. I've put myself out there, and I've tried new things and utilized more traditional tried and true methods; I've talked with recruiters on the best strategies and tactics to utilize, but right now, y'all, plain and simple, this market sucks.
So, I've stepped back from willing something into existence because I know, not only from this experience but many others in my young professional career, that it rarely works, especially not alone. I've worked hard and continue to work hard; I'm helping others in this crazy journey too many of us are going through while also trying to be the best version of myself each day. Staying authentic to ourselves in and of itself can be an energy suck, but as long as I end my day satisfied and with enough energy to start the next day, then I'm happy.
That's where I'm at, and it's certainly not been the journey or outcome I anticipated, but I can't control everything, and I certainly can't control anyone beyond myself. I'm fortunate to feel this without getting down, but I'm also highly aware of time ticking and each penny spent. I'm trying to balance them both, and hope that my value is recognized in the right place sooner than later.
I'm normally not a rainy-day person, but I have recently enjoyed some lazy, stormy days. It's always important to remember how beautiful the sky and light are after such days, and it's because of those days the grass shines greener, and the flowers continue to blossom (at least here in Florida right now!).
